Gaming House, CA -- The American Civil Liberties Union announced in a press conference earlier today that they plan to take on the contreversial Supreme Court case of Munchkin vs. DM, a case that has ignited dice-tilting rules nationwide in past months.
"There are people," Attorney Gilthas Silvertongue (Bard17, SF:Bluff, SF:Diplomacy, SF:Perform[BS]) stated in his press release, "who do not have a choice about how often their dice rolls end up tilted. These people, forced by economic circumstances to use tilt-prone dice, end up discriminated against by the DM. Ladies and gentlemen, that discrimination is unconstitutional, and it has to stop."
Added Silvertongue, "You messin' with me? I've got a RAPIER, you [expletive deleted]! You don't think I've got weapon finesse and improved critical and a Keen bling-bling on this baby? I got the Supreme Court to rule that restricting Vorpality to slashing weapons was unconstitutional, so don't think I won't [expletive deleted] you up with a critical puncture RIGHT NOW! Oh, you had an itch? My bad, sorry."
The case of Munchkin vs. DM first came to light in December of 2001, when a game was disrupted by what the DM described as "totally jerkwad" behavior.
"So I give in and let [Munchkin] use the Wand of Cure Critical even though it's not even DRAWN, much less on his spell list," DM reported in pre-trial statements, "and then he rolls four 1's and a 2, and he's all, 'No, wait, those were tilted on the edge of the mat.' This is after that Fort save against the Bodak got accidentally knocked off the table before we could all read it, after his AC magically went up by three points when I announced what AC the Earth Elemental's AoO would hit, and after his critical fumble against the Necromancer was, according to him, tilted up against the pencil." Added DM, "How the [expletive deleted] can a 20-sider be tilted against a PENCIL? It doesn't even make sense!"
According to Munchkin, such infringements of his rights to reroll tilted or unplayable dice rolls are not uncommon. "[DM] is always discriminating against me for stuff. I guess it's because I'm one-quarter Irish, and I can't afford those expensive sparkly dice like the other players have. Like this one time, this important save against a Hold Person got totally messed up when it got tilted on another player's sticky note, which was, you know, sticking up and stuff. And when they tried to make me take the roll and I suggested that since it was the other player's sticky note that screwed up the roll, THEY should be Held and Coup de Gras'd instead of me, they all totally got on me about not paying for my share of the pizza. I guess my heritage bothers them enough that they have to penalize me in-game," Munchkin said sadly. "I just wish the courts would do something about it."
The ACLU said that it plans to sue the DM, the other players, the pizza delivery service, the makers of the tilt-prone dice, and Wizards of the Coast, for a combined total of $2.6 million dollars in damages, as well as unnamed bonus feats, inherited magical items for future first level characters, and alteration of the rules so that Bull's Strength stacks with Gauntlets of Ogre Power. A case is also being formed against Bioware, creators of popular D&D computer game NeverWinter Nights, which, according to Munchkin, "totally lags to get my wizard killed when I try to Power Attack the trolls."
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