Game-House, CA -- The Monday-night gaming session of a local group of friends was suspended after charges of powergaming and may possibly be permanently cancelled, according to sources inside the game. President Bush declared the accusations "Shocking" and "potentially devastating to the game", urging both sides to "assess the situation calmly, lest a fiery cataclysm, unseen since Weiss/Hickman days, crash down upon the entire gaming community." Both sides of this divisive argument have refused negotiations, stating independently that "Only the burning of the infidel's sheet will extinguish the hatred that rages in my breast."
According to the group's DM, the altercation began at approximately 8:30 PM on Monday, when Player1 became angered at Player2's survival of a difficult monster attack.
"I'm trying to roleplay," Player1 stated in an interview, pausing from scrawling "DIEPLAYER2DIE" over and over on post-it notes and affixing them to his otherwise naked body. "I'm trying to play this conflicted guy with a lot of emotions, you know? A guy who is alone in the world. I'm like voluntarily making choices that hurt my character's progression, and then Player2 is all bragging when that wizard's Fireball does nothing to him because he's got evasion. And I'm like, what? You're a SORCERER. Let me see your sheet!"
Witnesses say that Player2's sheet showed his character as having taken 1 level of monk and paladin apiece before continuing on to take levels solely in Sorcerer.
Player2, the creator of the allegedly powergamed character, disagrees. "Bervehost is a sad, tortured, Sisyphian figure in a world that has artificial boundaries drawn taut across his very soul," he declared while staring at a Dungeon Master's guide opened to the page with Mialee at high level and slowly rubbing his hands up and down his own leather-clad torso. "His rigid monastic training and honor-bound religious ideals are constantly struggling with the inherent power that surges through his mortal frame. Can Player1 handle that kind of stress in his character? I don't think so. All he sees are those funny little rules coincidences, like 3 good starting saves, +3 to all saves due to Divine Grace and a 16 Charisma, Wisdom bonus to AC, Evasion, unarmed attacks, permanent Detect Evil, the ability to use Wands of Cure Serious Wounds, and the ability Lay on Hands for 3 points."
DM adds that when Player2 began angrily defending his character's background, Player1's sheet was also brought into the open. "Player2 was all, what are you going on me about? You've totally minmaxed your dude while I'm trying to roleplay!" Player1's character is allegedly a Rogue3/Barbarian1/Ranger1/Fighter2.
"It's so obvious that someone as PowerGamerish as Player2 would see powergaming everywhere he looks," Player1 said in his own defense, rubbing a photocopied picture of a Naiad from 2nd Edition AD&D against his thigh. "I mean, my character was born on the streets, right? It's right here in my character background. Born on the streets. What's so hard about that? He would HAVE to start out as Rogue. You think I did it for Uncanny Dodge, Sneak Attack+2d6, and 4 x (8+Int) skill points to start with at first level? Who thinks like that? His anger at his human oppressors has OF COURSE made him go Ranger -- saying I took Favored Enemy:Human just to get the bonus all the time, along with usage of Curative Wands and Dual-Wielding, completely ignores the discrimination Asclimmion has faced due to his half-elven birth! The anger that he carries in that tender heart consumes him, and I had to take a level of Barbarian to play that convincingly -- not for Fast Movement, Rage, or level stacking with the Uncanny Dodge I got from my Rogue levels. And when Asclimmion gets some money and tries to leave his angry past behind, training as a proper warrior, does Player2 respect that? No, he's all, blah blah blah minmaxed fighter bonus feats, blah blah blah. I tell you, the discrimination he's gotten from Player2's character is going to make Asclimmion disillusioned with humanity again. I'm afraid that he'll start backsliding on his slow path from poverty and shame to acceptance. He might even just go on and take the rest of his levels in rogue as he loses all faith in humans and humankind."
Once the character sheets were out in the open, a loud argument ensued, and DM reports that while the word Powergamer was used most often, stronger terms also made it into the conversation. "Player1 called Player2 a 'Roll-Player'," DM reported, holding up his fingers to indicate the shift in spelling and inherent insult, "and then Player2 gets this crazed look in his eye, and then, I swear to God, he dropped the M-bomb (ed:Munchkin). And that was when Player1 started throwing eight-siders."
Tensions as of the most recent reports are still high. Player1 has declared that all "True Roleplayers" should ban Player2 from Internet-games of Warcraft and NeverWinter Nights. In response, Player2 has spammed Player1's Yahoo Mail account, keeping Player1 confined to his own Inbox as his BulkMail and Gaming folders fill with automatically generated hate messages. DM reports that despite negotiations, Player2 has not ruled out surreptitiously submitting Player1's e-mail address to "Porn-Bi-Male", an automatic e-mail service that sends "15 pix/day of hot shemale action!" Player1, meanwhile, has sent the DM private e-mail messages that are believed to contain questions regarding the rules for intra-party combat -- particularly, whether Player2's character would be flat-footed if Player1's character attempted to do dual-wielded raging sneak attacks.
"I can't believe these guys are so immature," DM said, raising his hands in defeat as if supplicating the Lord Jesus Christ to handle the gaming dispute more effectively. "I mean, this is supposed to be a cooperative storytelling experience, and they're both so caught up in their powergaming garbage that they attack each other out of defensive hypersensitivity. If they were paying more attention to the plot and living in the world I'm trying to create for them, none of this would have happened."
DM concluded his interview by asking whether a Fiendish Half-Dragon Troll would be better served by taking levels in Cleric or Barbarian.
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