TopTens

Top Ten Lists of Yore

How Much Do Things in Twingate Suck?

1. Hard enough to have own event horizon
2. Could pull an orange through a cocktail straw
3. Sucks more ass than a twister touching down in a mule farm
4. Could strip the brass off a doorknob
5. Almost as hard as yermom did last night
6. More suckily than any suckdom has sucked before
7. Ought to magically write "Hoover" on Twingate's outer walls
8. Well, statistically speaking, more than a giant suckosaur. A dire one.
9. Suckier than a level 1 ranger with a dull knife and a badger animal companion.
10. (Arms spread wide. Pause. Cast Enlarge.) Thiiiiiiis much.

Top Ten Least Subtle Attempts to Metagame

1. "Okay, we've only got one chance to Use this magical item, and only one of us can try. I know -- let's each try 20 times with the same lesser magical item and see who, on average, gets the better result!"
2. "Oh, it's hard to tell about how Wise one is oneself, but I think I'm at least 15% more likely to succeed at something relating to Wisdom than the average person."
3. "I'll move 31 feet away from the rest of the party."
4. "He's AC17, my BAB is +23, so I'm gonna Power Attack Seven."
5. "Pardon me while I spend five minutes plotting the correct targetting for this area effect spell, which I'm getting off in-game in approximately three seconds."
6. (DM) "And the mass of Thon'ri attempts two charm spells against everyone except Tierney."
7. "Look, I'm sure I'd be much better at bluffing people inside the castle if we could just kill a cutpurse or two before we go in."
8. "Normally I'd cast that spell on Timus, but he still hasn't used his Birthday Save..."
9. "It was going to be four shadows, but once I knew that Timus and Tierney were coming, I made it twelve shadows and four wraiths."
10. "Does it look like something that Dispel Magic would work on?"

Top Ten Eleven Rules Missteps on our Road to Learning D&D

1. Pat not getting that Small goblins couldn't use morningstars with one hand, two years ago
2. Pat not getting that Huge cloud giants took up 10x10 squares and had 15 ft. reach, two days ago
3. "Wait, should I have been adding that bonus to my damage rolls as well?"
4. "Oh, yeah, according to the rules, the poison wore off after two hits. So you ought to have taken two shots of poison, and not... twelve..."
5. Toughness
6. Putting points into Scry at first level
7. Putting cross-class points into Heal
8. Taking more than one level in Ranger
9. Yes, I think 5,000 XP is a perfectly appropriate story award for 5th-level characters...
10. Wait, Meteor Swarm does WHAT?
11. A spell that takes a full-round action to cast doesn't go off on the following round.

Top Ten Items We Miss The Most

1. Staff of Frost
2. Tasan
3. HeartToucher
4. The Claw of Chaos
5. The Ring of Evasion
6. The Ring of Fate (except only sort of)
7. The Valiant Blade (except not at all)
8. The 10th-level-caster Wand of Fireballs (Pre-emptively)
9. The Armor of the Scattered Petal
10. Tierney

Top Ten Characters From an Alternate Reality

1. Yet another soon-to-be-gone Divine Spellcaster (see Departed list)
2. D'libraete Star-y'typ B'raechkr, elven barbarian
3. Sumit, the grumpy non-magical Dwarven bookworm lady-magnet
4. Angus MacAngst: troubled, brooding, nancy-boy vampire with a soul
5. Some dark-skinned large not-really-half-orc looking long-haired funny-foreheaded bard-type who threatens to kill me where I stand, dishonoring myself and my family, if I don't listen to his entire opera in a language I don't understand
6. Garden Gnome
7. Navi Fludd, a Construct Fey who incessantly urges the party in the direction of the plot
8. Lawful Tierney
9. Daddy's Little Girl: it's all about stilled, silent, heightened, spell-focused Charm Person.
10. Apliss Wunshot, the disposable PC!

Top Ten Five Two Characters Not Trying to Kill Tierney

1. Tierney
2. Arlemis

Top Ten Tasteless Enemies

1. Redneck Tree
2. Nympho
3. Prostitute
4. Unflavored Gelatinous Cube
5. Dire Titmouse
6. Fiendish Crabs
7. Ape Nuts
8. Xorn Flakes
9. Tofudabeast
10. Frisky Plot Gnomes

Top "Ten" Tasty Enemies

1. Pork Golem
2. Dire Taco
3. Jell-O Cube
4. Displacer Beets
5. Blink Hotdogs
6. Pasta Elemental
7. Beerholder
8. Green Slaad with Ranch Dressing
9. Pixie Stix
10. Ice Cream Mephit
11. Ochre Jelly

Top Ten Useless Animal Friends

1. Dire Sheep
2. Fiendish Toad
3. Squirrel with a Hyperactive Thyroid
4. Dolphin
5. Celestial Sloth
6. Non-adventuring girlfriend
7. Boneless Chicken
8. Boneless Kitten
9. Schroedinger's Cat
10. Collie

Top Ten Failed "Redeemed" Vampire Pickup Lines

1. Hey, baby, I just need one last hit, and you look like an excellent vintage...
2. C'mon... one little love bite?
3. I give great hickeys.
4. So, what's your type?
5. Your crypt or mine?
6. I'm one of those guys who appreciates a good Bloody Mary.
7. Pardon me, but you're so well-dressed, I was wondering if you could check my hair for me. See, I have this thing about mirrors...
8. I swear! The fact that this is a one night stand has nothing to do with you. Honest! I just really gotta leave before it gets light out.
9. Feed me, baby!
10. Suck me, beautiful.

Top Ten Twingate Periodicals

1. Showering Half-Orc Monthly
2. Gnome & Garden
3. Horsecart & Driver
4. Investor's Business Daily
5. YE (Young & Elven, popular fashion magazine)
6. (Goat) Breeder's Digest
7. Things to Run Away From Digest (Free mailer from the Church of the Coward)
8. The National Scrier (Inquiring minds want to know)
9. Thyme Magazine
10. The Twingay Times

Top Ten Bad Wishes

1. "I wish Golthar, who we buried under the Great Desert, were alive once more..."
2. "I wish I knew more about the Ta'bar'pur."
3. "I wish I had the ability to shoot bolts of lightning!" said the wizard about to be polymorphed into a wand.
4. "I wish I had the permanent ability to spider climb."
5. "I wish I hadn't lost that level from being raised from the dead... no, wait, lemme rephrase..."
6. "I'm gonna kick yer ass into next week!" "Pfft, you wish."
7. "Hmm... most of this scroll is in some old runic language. The only part I can read says, 'I wish half-dragon dire lice would nest in my genitals...'"
8. "I wish for a keen vorpal scimitar to fall from the sky at my feet! Wait, what do you MEAN, Reflex save?"
9. "I wish I didn't have to worry about those BlackPillar bastards," says Joe "Involuntary Alignment Change" Player.
10. "I wish I were the most powerful creature in the universe!" said the player, shortly before becoming the DM.

Top Ten Rejected Prestige Classes

1. Prostitute
2. The Flaming Lancers of Twingate
3. Dude with Spell Resistance, Evasion, Mettle, and the ability to cast Flame Strike at will -- From "Shavers of the Dice," Munchkin Gaming Supplement
4. Legendary Loose-bowelled Sanjuin Legionnaire
5. PlotBreaker
6. Tourist
7. Bishoujo Senshi Sailor (insert heavenly body here)
8. Half-deity (can only cast limited wish at will)
9. Player-Killer
10. Rainbow Stardreamer of the Crystal Unicorns (i.e., the whiny, self-absorbed, beautiful but oppressed by her ugly stepsisters protagonist in a Marion Zimmer Bradley story)

Top Ten Innovative (Ab)Uses of Alter Self

1. Greater Magic Wang
2. Becoming a dog to help your buddy meet babes in the park. 'Cause chicks always go for the guy with the golden retriever. It makes him look domestic. Suckers.
3. That old Fake Werewolf party trick
4. "Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on..."
5. Tierney For a Day
6. Ask Simon to meet you at local dwarf bar. Head to bar five minutes early, shaped like him. Walk inside, ask if anyone knows where the dwarven hookers are, because man, once you've tasted skanky dwarf-ho', you never go back, and their heads are at just the right height... Leave quickly, go invisible, wait.
7. At last, you've bought that full-length looking glass. You're in your quarters, alone. Always did wonder what Leny would look like under all that armor...
8. Finally, a way to show up that idiot in the tavern who keeps betting you five silvers that you can't stick out your tongue and touch your nose...
9. "Oh, no, imprisoned again and stripped of all my weapons... If only I'd thought to carry an extra dagger, masterwork thieves tools, and ring of teleportation in a magically created organic pouch near my ass..."
10. Supreme Cleavage

Top Ten Evil Plot Hooks

1. You wake up, dizzy and drugged, with a pulsing pain in your groin area. And then you hear Simon say, "Don't worry, it will pass. Have you ever heard of phantom limb pain?"
2. A small rock breaks your garrison window, lands on the floor, and rolls toward you. A small black rock. With a countdown timer.
3. "Quick, you have to help! Your heretofore unknown twin brother has been poisoned and you have to impersonate him as head of the Assassin's Guild."
4. Patrick actually just says, "Blah blah blah laced drink, blah blah blah slow acting poison, blah blah blah quest."
5. "Arlemis, make a Fort save."
6. The party bumps into a plucky little halfling cleric of the Younger Sister.
7. Your character decides to join a new religious group, gives over all his wealth and worldly possessions, takes a level in monk, and then discovers that he's actually joined an evil cult. (all before the game starts)
8. Hey, nothing brings people into the gaming spirit faster than an invisible rogue/wizard nailing you with a maximized flame arrow that adds sneak-attack damage.
9. You're in a prison. You're chained to a wall. And you have no idea who you are, let alone all those other weirdos chained to other walls.
10. You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.

Top Ten Failed Spellcraft Check Results

1. You're pretty certain that Simon is just casting mount.
2. Yep, that villager is casting a stilled, silent, invisible, intangible fireball. Or just standing there. Definitely one of the two.
3. You try to figure out why that wraith over there needs Leny to Mend it. Make an Intelligence check.
4. Don't worry, it's just casting Phantasmal Thriller
5. I know what he's casting, but I don't know where he's keeping the spicy pork dish that is the material component for the spell...
6. "Since when does Mage Armor do 11d6 damage, Reflex half?"
7. You're sure you're wrong. No one would just cast magic missile at the darkness.
8. "I didn't know pixies even had Flame Strike!"
9. Something about this impending energy drain strikes you as funny. Hilariously funny.
10. "Hah! I know that summoned Pit Fiend is an illusion! I listened to your spell, and now I'll simply disbelieve that he's hitting me with a 20-dice fireball!... Wait. What?... Um... ohshit..."

Top Ten Problematic Monsters

1. Dire Salmon
2. Were-Plot-Device
3. Half-Dragon Chihuahua
4. The Orc-Ape (nonexistent)
5. Tree-dwelling octopoid creatures... oh, wait.
6. A nu ri pur... oh, wait.
7. Keen Vorpal Thing on Ceiling
8. Multiple-Personality-Disorder Hydra
9. Plot Pixie, Bestower of Nondispellable Quests
10. Sexual Harrassment.......Panda

Top Ten Rejected Spells and Feats

1. Great Cleavage
2. Greater Magic Wang
3. Magic Circle Against Plot Device
4. Bigby's Groping Hand
5. Detect Fire (Range: Touch)
6. Stupid Humanoid Tricks (req. Dex 15+, Cha 10-)
7. Drawmij-chan's Instant Lunch (warning: contains MSG)
8. The Detect Arrows feat: Once a round, roll an attack against AC 15 when you would normally be struck by a missile weapon. Success indicates that you are definitely aware that a missile weapon has just struck you for several points of damage.
9. Democratic Monster Summoning IV
10. Hard Disk Partitioning III
11. Craft Macaroni and Cheese

Top Ten Signs Patrick is About to Screw You Over

1. [rolls] "Well, I was gonna ask what your flat-footed AC was, but I don't think I even need to bother..."
2. "What do you mean there's no more veggie pizza?"
3. "I cast dispel magic." "OK, nothing happens" "I didn't roll my dispel check yet!" "Oh, sorry, go ahead."
4. "Okay, what's your AC?" "Whoops. Okay, how many hit points did you have?" "I see. And what was your constitution?" "Ooh. Um... did you have any ideas for your next character?"
5. "The good news is that the Disintegrate spell didn't hit you..."
6. Any creature which says "You have 30 seconds to comply."
7. "CLEAVE!"
8. "Oh, it's Aldamar's turn?"
9. "Let's see.. is your AC better than 41?"
10. "Why don't we roll initiative."

Top Ten Questionable Character Concepts

1. Lina Inverse, Ftr7/Rog5/Sor82
2. Template Smith, the Celestial Half-Dragon Weretiger attempting to achieve Lichdom
3. A bard with a +12 normal Reflex Save, Cat's Grace, Haste, and a Ring of Evasion... oh, wait.
4. The crew of the Excalibur: Matthew Gideon (Ftr15), John Matheson (Psion12), Doreena Nafeel (Rog13), Max Eilerson (Brd12), Galen (Sor44/Wiz47), and Sara Chambers (Clr13)
5. An ambidextrous (no penalty) 3'6" dwarven fighter double-wielding 4' longswords.
6. A 3'2" dwarven cleric whose favored weapon is a poleaxe. ("Jump!")
7. Jimmy "The Fort Save" Throckbottom: Gnome, Con20(22), Cha18, Great Fortitude, Barb2, Ran1, Drd1, Ftr1, Mon1, Pal1, Clr1, 8th level character with +26 Fort Save. See Jimmy's Story
8. "No, I really wanted to see what it was like to roleplay someone with all 18s!"
9. Greater Magic Wang.
10. A wizard who specializes in nothing but Divination. Because you want to know, down to the most minute detail, just how completely screwed you are.

Top Ten (plus one) Rejected Gaming Session Themes

1. The Twingate Drinking Game
2. Strip-Gaming
3. Playboy's Paladin Pajama Party
4. Dwarf-Tossing
5. How to Spot Dragons from a Very Short Way Away
6. Day of the Tentacles
7. There's Something About Lome
8. Wraithspotting
9. And Then There Were None... Twingate Style!
10. Twingate, the Musical!
11. "No Dice, Let's Just Bribe the DM" Night

Top Ten Benefits to Level Loss

1. Great chance to drop that falchion-specific feat.
2. All those spell slots per day were just confusing you, anyway.
3. 3 words: chicks dig innocence
4. "Hey, this time those two points of Constitution drain did one less point of effective damage!"
5. You can once again get experience points for killing goblins.
6. "So I only need to burn a Cure Light Wounds now..."
7. You no longer have to ask yourself, "Why did I put those points into Use Rope?"
8. "I was thinking of taking a level in Monk anyway."
9. "Finally, I've met the last requirement for the Undead Slayer Prestige Class!"
10. "Look, I'm not as powerful as you are. I NEED the keen vorpal scimitar!"